It's happening all over campus. People walk by at night, unsuspecting. Then
it happens. The street light that one would normally expect to light the path
home TURNS OFF. Some people have suggested that it might be a motion sensor
that is wired backward. Others believe that a group of
midgets from Berkley
are running around trying to confuse people, but this is almost certainly just
some sort of politically incorrect conjecture. No, the real problem is much
more serious than that, and it is my purpose to try to explain the truth about
the street lights here.
This isn't just some random phenomenon that can be
disproven. In fact nine times out of ten these street lights that have
been turned to the dark side turn themselves off rather than staying
or turning on.
What explanation can be provided for this? Is it some strange government
conspiracy? Do the street lights just not like the aura that is given off by
someone who has just left a dining hall? Perhaps it is a strange experiment
being performed by graduate students in the psychology department? Or maybe
one of the fraternities thinks it is funny to see someone trip in the dark when
they expect to see a light.
Don't believe me? Walk over to Johnstone A some night, or take a stroll one
evening by Mauldin. You will see just what I am talking about. There are
even some lights near Tillman Auditorium and by the reflection pool that seem
to be affected by the phenomenon.
The answer, in fact, lies (oddly enough) in the stars. Take a look at the
positioning of the lights mentioned above. There is, in fact, no
constellation that matches the positioning of these lights (or none that
would be worth worshipping). Discovering this was an important step in
realizing the exact identity of the evil behind the lights. It shows that the
person or group in question is obviously obsessed with entropy and chaos. My
first inference when realizing this was that it must be a chemistry or physics
major. However, further clues showed that this is far from being the case.
I was searching through old yearbooks (which are kept in the library) when I
came across a picture in the 1906 yearbook of some students, who are standing
in front of a building. This building is believed to be no longer standing,
but the truth is that its location has merely moved. This identity of this
mysterious building has not yet been discovered, and more information will be
posted here as relevant data is collected. This building, is, however,
the location of the secret base of the men who have always had devious plans
for the university. This are the same group of men who in 1906 are reported
to have kept a goat in their dorm room for reasons that cannot be discussed
here (if you don't believe me, check the delinquent list in the 1906
yearbook).
Your secret is now known, Men of the Broken Arch. Beware.
